Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

by Wendy H.

102 Degrees.  A 55 minute Fartlek workout.  And the first Laurie Sweat Test of the season.

I get all ready, strapping on heart rate monitor, sunglasses, and hat.  Always amazed how long it takes to get ready for a simple run, I realize I need to weigh in . . . naked.  Reverse the entire procedure.  The pile of gear and clothes on the floor looks like the melting Wicked Witch of Triathlons (which, according to Coach Sarah, is kind of appropriate!).

The cat tilts his head quizzically.  He thinks, “Didn’t you just put all that stuff ON?”  I say, “Yes, smarty paws, but don’t you chase an enclosed ball around in circles all day that you can never catch?”  I’ve totally got him on that one, so he just yawns and rolls over.

Weight recorded, fully-dressed.  I decide to consume exactly 24 oz of liquid during my 55 minute Fartlek (I can’t even type that without giggling a little.)  I then get the hair-brained idea to weigh the water on the scale!  Until I am reminded that a fluid ounce is a measure of volume, and a dry ounce is a measure of weight.  And the two are NOT the same and geez what about the two scoops of Gatorade!  Ok, forget weighing anything but self.

The  label says the sports bottles have 24 oz capacity but I don’t trust mine so I measure out 24 oz with a measuring cup and then pour it in to the bottle and damn I can only get 22 oz. in the bottle, there must be a trick or I need a new measuring cup?   I gulp down the extra 2 and off I go into the breezy 102 degree afternoon.

15 minutes into the workout, a bead of sweat appears on my upper lip.  I lick it without thinking then sharply draw my tongue back in.  Which brings me to the . . .

#1 Burning Question on the Sweat Test

What if you swallow sweat?  We’re trying to figure out how much we lose, right?  If we consume it as soon as we lose it, what good is that?

I wipe my sweaty lip with my sweaty wrist and keep my mouth SHUT.  But then, it inexplicably opens again and a Gatorade-fruit-punch-pink-tinged spit fires out. Oh my god did I just spit OUT what I am counting as liquid consumed IN??  Which brings me to the . . .

#2 Burning Question on the Sweat Test

What if you spit?  Does spit count as liquid consumed in? Or does spit count as sweat perspired out?

I ponder this awhile during a 2 minute sprint and decide spitting is equal to spilling my fluids and I vow to keep all spit in.

Ok, no spitting, no sweat-licking, and no dribbling while drinking.  Got it.  I finish my Fartleks (tee-hee hee) and drive home all the while telling myself, “Do not pee until you weigh in.” Over and over.

I get home and try to dry myself off, but every time I start to feel dry, more sweat appears from out of nowhere.  I reach up to towel off my head and realize it is soaked.  Which brings me to the  . . .

#3 Burning Question on the Sweat Test

What about all that heavy sweat in my hair?   Sure, our sleek, smooth-topped male triathletes don’t have this problem, but my hair is soaked.  There’s gotta be a good 3-4 ounces in there.

I wring my hair out as hard as I can without twisting it out of my scalp and then rub the towel over my head hard.

I step on the scale.  I lost 2.6 lbs.  I am thirsty and I want to pee and shower.  My mind is spinning around in circles pondering all the Burning Questions on the Sweat Test, kind of like that enclosed ball the cat chases all day.

Note to self: leave the thinking part of this to Laurie Schubert, our Team Dietitian, and . . . Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!

 

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  • Alyse

    Hilarious!  Thanks for giving me a fun break in my afternoon of spreadsheets and budgets!

  • Kelli Z

    Wendy, you are so funny! I loved it.

  • Cathy Obordo

    Wendy, I think you need to quit your day job and become a comedian!!  You could not be funnier!!  Thanks for the laughs!

  • Drew Repoza

    I do that all the time – get all dressed and then realize I forgot to weigh myself.  Of course, the common thread is we both have cats.  Therefore, it must be their fault, and I will blame them accordingly…

  • You crack me up!  Finding humor in the midst of our heat wave.  Love it!! 🙂

  • Debby

    Very comical but now I want those answers.  Laurie?

  • Hilarious!!!  🙂

  • Sarah F

    Not sure which I find more hilarious–your Phoebe run, or your general outlook on everyday life!!!! You crack me up!!

  • Laurie Schubert

    All excellent questions!  We can absolutely talk about these; I’ll give you a call.  And what a writing style…  hilarious!